MY LIFE. MY THOUGHTS. MY WORDS.

Even Hundredfold Grief is Divisible by Love.



I walked a mile with pleasure,
she chattered all the way,
and left me none the wiser,
with all she had to say.

I walked a mile with sorrow,
and never a word said she,
but oh the things I learned from her,
when sorrow walked with me.

This was a long time quote I remember reading during my dad's funeral. It has stuck with me ever since. Today marks one year from my last miscarriage. I had two miscarriages last year. This one is more memorable for me. My first pregnancy of the year was in August last year at which I miscarried after 6 weeks. One word: Painful. The one I have such a hard time forgetting is the baby I lost at 11 weeks in December. I had the opportunity to hear his it's little speedy heart beat. I saw the ultra sound which confirmed it was real for us, then. We had a name for him. Yes, we know this baby was suppose to be our first boy. The chosen name was MoneLoa Makelani Magalei. As die hard as I am about being a Tuha, of course these names were picked from my dad's family. Mone and Loa after my two little brothers and Makelani which was my father's brother. We were so excited, thinking of all the sports this new comer could play and how he would protect his older sister Lana. We even made financial plans to ensure we could provide all the needs of this baby, without cutting out Lana’s needs. I'll never forget the hope our hearts were filled with as we knew Lana’s prayers would finally be answered.

Reasons for our lost are unknown, but I know the Lord has his plans. They weren't our plans, but we now understand the Lord knows what's best for our family and for the baby we never met. Despite the pain and agony, Sherwin (Sho) and I felt, we had to keep ourselves together for Alana. She was devastated to hear that she was going to remain the only child in our home. Sho did very well in keeping a positive attitude and moving on. I on the other hand fell apart. I become resentful and bitter. I was more than upset, I was hurt. I was emotionally drained from all the disappointment. I can’t imagine how it would have been without Sherwin and Alana’s unconditional love, it really healed me. Their love was a constant reminder that our Heavenly Father loved me, without doubt. He loved me and I felt his arms were invisibly wrapped around me with comfort and peace during a time where I felt such grief. This may come across selfish, and I don’t mean to be. I’m just expressing what I felt about that very day, one year later. And, although we haven’t been expecting since then, it’s still fun trying.

I know this started a bit sad so I'll leave you with this quote by St. Augustine

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

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