MY LIFE. MY THOUGHTS. MY WORDS.

Time heals all...


It's taken me some time to pull myself together, emotionally, physically and spiritually, to start blogging again. I feel drained. Honestly, I've been hurt, in what I believe, as a wife, may be one of the worst ways to be hurt by a man. I trusted him. I still love him. I forgive him. It's never easy, but I hope it's worth it. I fell out of love with my husband, when I found that he was dishonest with me. It's taking time, but I'm falling back in love with him. I thought I may be naive to stick around, but there's too much history there. We've been through a whole lot, together. I really am trying to hold on to the thought that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, make us stronger. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I know the Lord has heard my cries and is answering my prayers. I also believe in good time, my heart will fully heal. My husband does everything he can, with all his heart, might and soul, to make things up to me. He knows he hurt me. I appreciate that he puts up a great fight to keep me in his life. I realize I do mean a lot to him.

I don't know if it's my pride, but I use to feel like he was 100% ALL MINE and I was ALL HIS. Now, I'm not as sure. I know I'll never give myself to another and I pray hard that he never will either. One day at a time. I just got to let love lead us. I know some of it isn't his entire fault. I understand he needs to feel intimate and appreciated and with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, I haven't been able to be there for him. I can't even have him touch me in bed, because my body is always aching. I know he needs some attention, too. It's been a long time since I've pulled out my fist but I know that before I took him back, I had to beat the daylights out of him and taking him through one of the dirtiest experiments ever, to force him to feel my pain and disgust. That's me. No gray, just black or white. When I'm good, I'm good and when I'm bad, I'm really really bad. It's not just an eye for an eye, I get VICIOUS! This is my flaw. ANGER! Honestly, I KNOW I WAS WRONG! For some reason I have no control over myself when I'm heated. I don't just want someone to hurt as much as I'm hurting, I want them to drown in my sorrow. It's my fault, I let myself feel fat, ugly and cripple. I had to remind myself that I am a daughter of a King, who loves me and has blessed my life with so much. My anger, my pride, my selfishness got the best of me. I almost lost my husband and tore up my family, because I was hurting. This has been something that I have been working to fix for a long time.

I have to be really grateful for the great friends and family who support me, guide me, inspire me and love me without fail. They have opened my eyes, my heart and my mind to understand how our Heavenly Father works. I have learned to forgive and move on so I can heal. I have learned that not every man is out to hurt me. I have learned that my husband has needs. I have learned that my family is more important than my own feelings. I have learned that my husband and I are a better team, together and me alone. I have learned that I love him so much, and that these are small inconsequential things that I cannot allow in our marriage, to break us. I know that when our family is good, Satan works harder on the weakest link. I know that he was working really hard to break my husband's promises and love for me. I know he was working hard in fueling my fire, so that I can rip down the walls, that we have made our home. I know that Satan was ready to break Lana's heart. I will not allow him to break our family. My prayers have been answered through my family and friends, who love us and have also prayed hard for us, to get through this rough patch and trying time.

Myspace Troubles...

Hi Stephanie,

I'm sorry to put you on BLAST, I realize and shamefully admit it was my all husband getting at you. He realizes how wrong it was to think he can play games with you, online, after all that he almost lost. He almost lost me. The woman who should be feeling beautiful and sexy because of him. However, after what I found, I wasn't feeling very attractive. Now, I know who I am... I'm beautiful and I don't need my body displayed as hussy, minx or jade. After all the hurt and anger left me. I can't help but to face and confront this with love, strength and much forgiveness. I feel you need to hear me out. I have a lot more class then what was posted back to you from my husband's account. I know I'm better than that. I should have never aired out our dirty laundry like that. He realizes that it's me he wants and loves. It's my body that turns him on. He is sorry he bothered you. He was bored and wanted to mess with you, for laughs. It wasn't right. I told him that although you put yourself out there as a floozy harlot, I'm sure you have feelings too. By the looks of your pictures, you may be lonely. So here it is in my husband's own words...

"My wife means the world to me and because of my undying love for her, I will be saying goodbye to Myspace. I have a problem and I'm working to fix it. I love her and only her. I only want her body next to mine. Only she can turn me on. I love her body, heart, mind, soul and the spirit within her. I won't ever let it hurt my wife again."

He wanted me to send this to you because you blocked his account (which he will be deleting). I can put you behind us and move on. This incident has caused not only me, but both of our families a whole lot of pain and agony. I wish you the best and appreciate that you did not keep him as a friend and that you blocked him from contacting you. Thank you. I only hope that in the future, you will find the kind of love we have for one another.

Sincerely,
Siniva

My Sincerest Apologies...

Dear Readers (blogging sisters&brothers),

Thank you for all your love and support. It means so much to me. Yesterday, I only had one thing in mind and that was to destroy one person, who means a great deal to me. I was hurting in the worst possible way. I didn't realize it didn't just hurt me, it hurt those we love and for that I'm sorry. Please forgive me for my ugliness, cause ya'll know I'm crazy, but through our Heavenly Father, I testify of of miracle of forgiveness. Only in his love, I gain strength to get through this. I love you all. You all mean so much to me. You have no idea how much your friendship/relationship means to me. Thank you again. 

Sincerely,

Niva