MY LIFE. MY THOUGHTS. MY WORDS.

Random thoughts of Mom...

A week ago my mother received the results of her biopsy. Sunday evening she received a priesthood blessing, from my step father, Lose and his visiting teacher, Brother Pauga. Monday morning, my mother had surgery at the American Fork, Hospital, at 10:00am. She came out from surgery, almost 7 hours later. She was very pale. There was no color her face. Dr. Shaeffield, had removed her right breast. Reconstruction of the area of her chest also took place, to replace the flesh that was there, before. This was scary news for my family. Many of us had fasted and prayed for a speedy recovery. This is the first time, I had ever experience something like this. I was so scared and I had to step up and assist in her care. I called into work to take the day off, to be at the hospital with her. This would be the first full day of recovery. Although my arthritis pain was severe, I kept myself medicated to help feed, bathe, dress and walk her around the hospital. I realized how much I couldn't live without her. How big her roll was in my life. My mother does so much for me. She does all the running around for me. Taking Lana to her Math Tutor, English Literature Class, dance and Piano lessons. Regardless of my health issues, I'm doing my very best, to be a strong shoulder for my mother to lean on..

A week ago my mother received the results of her biopsy. Sunday evening she received a priesthood blessing, from my step father, Lose and his visiting teacher, Brother Pauga. Monday morning, my mother had surgery at the American Fork, Hospital, at 10:00am. She came out from surgery, almost 7 hours later. She was very pale. There was no color her face. Dr. Shaeffield, had removed her right breast. Reconstruction of the area of her chest also took place, to replace the flesh that was there, before. This was scary news for my family. Many of us had fasted and prayed for a speedy recovery. This is the first time, I had ever experience something like this. I was so scared and I had to step up and assist in her care. I called into work to take the day off, to be at the hospital with her. This would be the first full day of recovery. Although my arthritis pain was severe, I kept myself medicated to help feed, bathe, and dress and walk her around the hospital. I realized how much I couldn't live without her. How big her roll was in my life. My mother does so much for me. She does all the running around for me. Taking Lana to her Math Tutor, English Literature class, dance and Piano lessons. Regardless of my health issues, I'm doing my very best, to be a strong shoulder for my mother to lean on.


As she lies quietly resting in her bed, I can't help but to hate myself, for being such a disappointment to her. My poor mom has been criticized and mocked by me. I know, I'm not a great, not even a good daughter. I always pointed out her weaknesses, constantly reminding her of poor choices she's made in life. Always judged her. I never let her forget the dreadful mistake she made in marrying my step father, and so quickly, after my father had passed. I always told her about people talking about her and the shame she should feel. Oh my, I really was the daughter from hell. I always put my needs before hers. I always acted like she owed me, for all the pain I felt in my life. I was also so quick to blame her for how hard life seemed, after my father's passing. I felt it was her fault, our connection with my father's family was so faint.


Here, I sit in this hospital room, desperately trying to make up for all the pain, I caused her. I almost fainted, at the sight of my daughter, sobbing at her side. I cry just thinking of the love my little Lana has for her. I don't think anyone's love for her, is a pure and innocent as the love my daughter has for her grandmother. My mother, her hero. I continue to get emotional, thinking about last night. I tucked my Lana into bed, and watched her angelic eye lids cover her glassy eyes and how she fell asleep whispering her feelings for my mother. In my little Lana's eyes, my mom can do no wrong. My mother is someone she prays for, someone she adores, someone whose shoes she dreams to fill. My mother is the angel, who saves her from me. My mother understands her. There's a special connection between Alana and my mother. Lana keeps me grounded. She has helped me gain that respect and love, for my mother. I know Heavenly Father hears her prayers and feels her tears, as she cried out to him, last night, on my mother's behalf.


This scare has been changed. I can care less what anyone thinks about my mother. She is my hero. Through her highs and lows, she has helped me understand, that we come from a long line of fighters. I know she will pull through in recovery and I promise to always love my mom, without judgment, without fail. I will be that shoulder she needs. I will be her best friend. I will be the daughter, Heavenly Father, wants me to be for my mother. I will live to help make the rest of her days, here on earth, worth living. I will help, without question, and will lead by example, without lecture. I promise mom, I will love you as you need me to love you. I will be for you. What you need me to be. Regardless, of my condition, I will smile for you. I will laugh with you. Mom, I owe you my life. No matter what our situation was, you have given me life and a wonderful childhood. You were there when I needed you. Now, it's my turn to be here. You have motivated me to take life's challenges and the memories of our past. To try make everything right, without acknowledgement or reward. I will be here for you, in good and bad times. I am proud of you, where you were, where you've gone and what you have overcome. I hold my head up and walk tall with pride, for everyday I have, is all because of you. Thank you. Mom. I love you.



As she lies quietly resting in her bed, I can't help but to hate myself, for being such a disappointment to her. My poor mom has been criticized and mocked by me. I know, I'm not a great, not even a good daughter. I always pointed out her weaknesses, constantly reminding her of poor choices she's made in life. Always judged her. I never let her forget the dreadful mistake she made in marrying my step father, and so quickly, after my father had passed. I always told her about people talking about her and the shame she should feel. Oh my, I really was the daughter from hell. I always put my needs before hers. I always acted like she owed me, for all the pain I felt in my life. I was also so quick to blame her for how hard life seemed, after my father's passing. I felt it was her fault, our connection with my father's family was so faint.


Here, I sit in this hospital room, desperately trying to make up for all the pain, I caused her. I almost fainted, at the sight of my daughter, sobbing at her side. I cry just thinking of the love my little Lana has for her. I don't think anyone's love for her, is a pure and innocent as the love my daughter has for her grandmother. My mother, her hero. I continue to get emotional, thinking about last night. I tucked my Lana into bed, and watched her angelic eye lids cover her glassy eyes and how she fell asleep whispering her feelings for my mother. In my little Lana's eyes, my mom can do no wrong. My mother is someone she prays for, someone she adores, someone whose shoes she dreams to fill. My mother is the angel, who saves her from me. My mother understands her. There's a special connection between Alana and my mother. Lana keeps me grounded. She has helped me gain that respect and love, for my mother. I know Heavenly Father hears her prayers and feels her tears, as she cried out to him, last night, on my mother's behalf.


This scare has been changed. I can care less what anyone thinks about my mother. She is my hero. Through her highs and lows, she has helped me understand, that we come from a long line of fighters. I know she will pull through in recovery and I promise to always love my mom, without judgment, without fail. I will be that shoulder she needs. I will be her best friend. I will be the daughter, Heavenly Father, wants me to be for my mother. I will live to help make the rest of her days, here on earth, worth living. I will help, without question, and will lead by example, without lecture. I promise mom, I will love you as you need me to love you. I will be for you. What you need me to be. Regardless, of my condition, I will smile for you. I will laugh with you. Mom, I owe you my life. No matter what our situation was, you have given me life and a wonderful childhood. You were there when I needed you. Now, it's my turn to be here. You have motivated me to take life's challenges and the memories of our past. To try make everything right, without acknowledgement or reward. I will be here for you, in good and bad times. I am proud of you, where you were, where you've gone and what you have overcome. I hold my head up and walk tall with pride, for everyday I have, is all because of you. Thank you. Mom. I love you.

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