Time heals all...
It's taken me some time to pull myself together, emotionally, physically and spiritually, to start blogging again. I feel drained. Honestly, I've been hurt, in what I believe, as a wife, may be one of the worst ways to be hurt by a man. I trusted him. I still love him. I forgive him. It's never easy, but I hope it's worth it. I fell out of love with my husband, when I found that he was dishonest with me. It's taking time, but I'm falling back in love with him. I thought I may be naive to stick around, but there's too much history there. We've been through a whole lot, together. I really am trying to hold on to the thought that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, make us stronger. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I know the Lord has heard my cries and is answering my prayers. I also believe in good time, my heart will fully heal. My husband does everything he can, with all his heart, might and soul, to make things up to me. He knows he hurt me. I appreciate that he puts up a great fight to keep me in his life. I realize I do mean a lot to him.
I don't know if it's my pride, but I use to feel like he was 100% ALL MINE and I was ALL HIS. Now, I'm not as sure. I know I'll never give myself to another and I pray hard that he never will either. One day at a time. I just got to let love lead us. I know some of it isn't his entire fault. I understand he needs to feel intimate and appreciated and with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, I haven't been able to be there for him. I can't even have him touch me in bed, because my body is always aching. I know he needs some attention, too. It's been a long time since I've pulled out my fist but I know that before I took him back, I had to beat the daylights out of him and taking him through one of the dirtiest experiments ever, to force him to feel my pain and disgust. That's me. No gray, just black or white. When I'm good, I'm good and when I'm bad, I'm really really bad. It's not just an eye for an eye, I get VICIOUS! This is my flaw. ANGER! Honestly, I KNOW I WAS WRONG! For some reason I have no control over myself when I'm heated. I don't just want someone to hurt as much as I'm hurting, I want them to drown in my sorrow. It's my fault, I let myself feel fat, ugly and cripple. I had to remind myself that I am a daughter of a King, who loves me and has blessed my life with so much. My anger, my pride, my selfishness got the best of me. I almost lost my husband and tore up my family, because I was hurting. This has been something that I have been working to fix for a long time.
I have to be really grateful for the great friends and family who support me, guide me, inspire me and love me without fail. They have opened my eyes, my heart and my mind to understand how our Heavenly Father works. I have learned to forgive and move on so I can heal. I have learned that not every man is out to hurt me. I have learned that my husband has needs. I have learned that my family is more important than my own feelings. I have learned that my husband and I are a better team, together and me alone. I have learned that I love him so much, and that these are small inconsequential things that I cannot allow in our marriage, to break us. I know that when our family is good, Satan works harder on the weakest link. I know that he was working really hard to break my husband's promises and love for me. I know he was working hard in fueling my fire, so that I can rip down the walls, that we have made our home. I know that Satan was ready to break Lana's heart. I will not allow him to break our family. My prayers have been answered through my family and friends, who love us and have also prayed hard for us, to get through this rough patch and trying time.