Time heals all...

It's taken me some time to pull myself together, emotionally, physically and spiritually, to start blogging again. I feel drained. Honestly, I've been hurt, in what I believe, as a wife, may be one of the worst ways to be hurt by a man. I trusted him. I still love him. I forgive him. It's never easy, but I hope it's worth it. I fell out of love with my husband, when I found that he was dishonest with me. It's taking time, but I'm falling back in love with him. I thought I may be naive to stick around, but there's too much history there. We've been through a whole lot, together. I really am trying to hold on to the thought that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, make us stronger. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I know the Lord has heard my cries and is answering my prayers. I also believe in good time, my heart will fully heal. My husband does everything he can, with all his heart, might and soul, to make things up to me. He knows he hurt me. I appreciate that he puts up a great fight to keep me in his life. I realize I do mean a lot to him.

I don't know if it's my pride, but I use to feel like he was 100% ALL MINE and I was ALL HIS. Now, I'm not as sure. I know I'll never give myself to another and I pray hard that he never will either. One day at a time. I just got to let love lead us. I know some of it isn't his entire fault. I understand he needs to feel intimate and appreciated and with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, I haven't been able to be there for him. I can't even have him touch me in bed, because my body is always aching. I know he needs some attention, too. It's been a long time since I've pulled out my fist but I know that before I took him back, I had to beat the daylights out of him and taking him through one of the dirtiest experiments ever, to force him to feel my pain and disgust. That's me. No gray, just black or white. When I'm good, I'm good and when I'm bad, I'm really really bad. It's not just an eye for an eye, I get VICIOUS! This is my flaw. ANGER! Honestly, I KNOW I WAS WRONG! For some reason I have no control over myself when I'm heated. I don't just want someone to hurt as much as I'm hurting, I want them to drown in my sorrow. It's my fault, I let myself feel fat, ugly and cripple. I had to remind myself that I am a daughter of a King, who loves me and has blessed my life with so much. My anger, my pride, my selfishness got the best of me. I almost lost my husband and tore up my family, because I was hurting. This has been something that I have been working to fix for a long time.

I have to be really grateful for the great friends and family who support me, guide me, inspire me and love me without fail. They have opened my eyes, my heart and my mind to understand how our Heavenly Father works. I have learned to forgive and move on so I can heal. I have learned that not every man is out to hurt me. I have learned that my husband has needs. I have learned that my family is more important than my own feelings. I have learned that my husband and I are a better team, together and me alone. I have learned that I love him so much, and that these are small inconsequential things that I cannot allow in our marriage, to break us. I know that when our family is good, Satan works harder on the weakest link. I know that he was working really hard to break my husband's promises and love for me. I know he was working hard in fueling my fire, so that I can rip down the walls, that we have made our home. I know that Satan was ready to break Lana's heart. I will not allow him to break our family. My prayers have been answered through my family and friends, who love us and have also prayed hard for us, to get through this rough patch and trying time.

Myspace Troubles...

Hi Stephanie,

I'm sorry to put you on BLAST, I realize and shamefully admit it was my all husband getting at you. He realizes how wrong it was to think he can play games with you, online, after all that he almost lost. He almost lost me. The woman who should be feeling beautiful and sexy because of him. However, after what I found, I wasn't feeling very attractive. Now, I know who I am... I'm beautiful and I don't need my body displayed as hussy, minx or jade. After all the hurt and anger left me. I can't help but to face and confront this with love, strength and much forgiveness. I feel you need to hear me out. I have a lot more class then what was posted back to you from my husband's account. I know I'm better than that. I should have never aired out our dirty laundry like that. He realizes that it's me he wants and loves. It's my body that turns him on. He is sorry he bothered you. He was bored and wanted to mess with you, for laughs. It wasn't right. I told him that although you put yourself out there as a floozy harlot, I'm sure you have feelings too. By the looks of your pictures, you may be lonely. So here it is in my husband's own words...

"My wife means the world to me and because of my undying love for her, I will be saying goodbye to Myspace. I have a problem and I'm working to fix it. I love her and only her. I only want her body next to mine. Only she can turn me on. I love her body, heart, mind, soul and the spirit within her. I won't ever let it hurt my wife again."

He wanted me to send this to you because you blocked his account (which he will be deleting). I can put you behind us and move on. This incident has caused not only me, but both of our families a whole lot of pain and agony. I wish you the best and appreciate that you did not keep him as a friend and that you blocked him from contacting you. Thank you. I only hope that in the future, you will find the kind of love we have for one another.

Sincerely,
Siniva

My Sincerest Apologies...

Dear Readers (blogging sisters&brothers),

Thank you for all your love and support. It means so much to me. Yesterday, I only had one thing in mind and that was to destroy one person, who means a great deal to me. I was hurting in the worst possible way. I didn't realize it didn't just hurt me, it hurt those we love and for that I'm sorry. Please forgive me for my ugliness, cause ya'll know I'm crazy, but through our Heavenly Father, I testify of of miracle of forgiveness. Only in his love, I gain strength to get through this. I love you all. You all mean so much to me. You have no idea how much your friendship/relationship means to me. Thank you again. 

Sincerely,

Niva

Spring ain't nuttin but a Thing...

I know it's been awhile since I've posted my random feelings or my life happenings. RA does this to ya. Seriously, I've been so ... Ah, eh, nevermind, just excuses. So here's what we've been up to...

PhotoShop Fun....

I recently starting PS(ing). I'm loving it, but I'm only a beginner. I would really like to take a class and even invest in a Digital SLR Camera, so I can personally capture all the great moments with Friends & Family.Anyways, even though I'm a beginner, I've had a lot of fun, going off the advise provided by family & friends. Thanks Lisa & Sheena :)

Bowling with the Magalei's & the Frosties!

After IHop at Jordan Landing after Bowling at All Stars...

The women

Fred & Sheena

Spence & Lisa

 Sherm & Chrystel

Sho & I

Mother's Day!

 I didn't really get to know my grandmother. She passed, while I was young. I've heard negative things over the years, with regards to her stubborness and where we all have inherited that from. However, one visit to her grave, a couple years back with mom and Aunty Felila, changed my thoughts about her. Aunty told me amazing stories about her survival, her love, her devotion to my grandfather and her testimony of the church. A great respect, love and admiration for my grandmother was instilled in me that day. I'll never forget my Aunty's words about this strong and amazing woman.




 Mother's Day at Grandma Patosina Maiava Schwenke's grave in Murray, Utah. After a great sacrament meeting at our Lehi 41st Tongan Ward, we headed out to Murray to lay flowers on my grandmothers grave and honor her memory. We miss and love you grandma Patosina.




 The girls. Lana & Jazz

Mom & Grandma Patosina

Mom & I chilling at grandma's grave.

Mom & Lose BBQ ribs for Mama Day and we have my dear cousins Tue and Derek over. I love having them around. It always feels like home, when they're with us. We know they missed their mom (Aunt Freda), and we wanted them to feel like they were home too. My brother Loloa, Jr. called from Texas and you can tell he was teary eyed, when wishing mom and I a happy mother's day. We didn't want the boys to feel that same void.

At the end of the day, my thoughts turned to my sister Lisa Magalei, who's mother passed earlier this year. I prayed for her, that she would be comforted during this time. I know, I get the same feeling, every father's day. Although families are forever, every day here on earth is met with that void, when someone is missing. I love you Lisa. Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, especially you single mother's, I love you all.

Lana's Muffin Mix...

OMG. I realize I'm such a bad mom. I hate my condition. I was getting ready for work yesterday morning and fell back asleep. I think it may have been the meds. My dear little LanaBear usually gets herself ready for school in the mornings and waits for my mother to pick her up for school. I was knocked out and didn't hear Lana asking for breakfast before school starts. So, the poor girl climbed up the cabinets and got a chocolate chip muffin mix. She read the instructions and made herself muffins. I'm so proud of her, no egg shells, just enough oil, except instead of water, she did use milk, which made them a little thicker than fluffy, but they were actually really good. My hubby Sho, was annoyed she made his mix (LOL), but overall we were both so proud of her. LoL My poor baby, my condition has forced her to be more and more independent, each day.

OMG ....How cute are these couples?

&hearts all you Mamaz!

Newborn's Conversation With God.

A Newborn's Conversation with God. A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"   God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy." Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak." "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray." "Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life." "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.."   God said, “You will simply call her, Mom."  

Happy Mother's Day, my blogging sistahs!